Yoga Makes Me Want To Do Drugs

September 3, 2009

Last week I was forced to go to rehab. Seriously! A la Amy Winehouse, I was sent to a rehabilitation center for substance abusers (moderately) against my will. They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no! In reality I had no choice. I had to go for work. My work made me go to rehab. That sounds awful on so many levels.

Whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do. So, I went to a rehab facility to take a tour. I’ve never been to rehab before so I didn’t know what to expect. Sunshine and puppies? Fire and brimstone? Pimps and hos?

None of that. It was all peaceful and serene and lacking puppies. I was like, Excuse me, but where are all the people yelling and screaming and in pain from the anguish of losing their dependency on sweet sweet crack and meth? Why don’t you have rooms with crazy people on lockdown? Then they looked at me like I was the crazy one. Note to self: apparently, going through detox is not as awful as they make it look on ER. Though, I did pass more than a few people who were clearly judging me for not being on drugs.

We toured the whole, nice, happy facility. I can see why people check in for 30 days. It was like a cross between summer camp and college only with less drugs and alcohol and more yoga. Yeah, I said yoga. At this particular treatment center you are REQUIRED to do yoga. REQUIRED.

I have nothing against people who like yoga. I get it. It’s slow paced, it increases flexibility and strength, it requires balance, it promotes careful thought and movement. Whatthefuckever. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe yoga works for the drug addicts and the hippies (who are also on drugs) but I hate it. It’s boring. All I can think about during yoga is how I’d rather be doing a million other things, like MOVING. What kind of exercise makes you want to fall asleep? How is that productive? Why do I have to be quiet? WHY ARE WE LISTENING TO A CD OF SOUNDS FROM THE OCEAN?

So, obviously, I was like, What do people do when they don’t want to do yoga?

Rehab Lady: It’s required.

Sarah: …But what if they don’t like yoga and don’t want to participate?

Lady: Then they can go meditate. And someone will probably come talk to them about resistance.

And then I had a brain meltdown.

….Really?! REALLY?! It’s pretty ironic that you think resistance is bad when yoga is an activity that centers around physical resistance! Maybe someone should come give me that talk now because I feel full of resistance. FULL OF IT. And you know what, it feels better than the yoga would make me feel (but not as good as the drugs). This conversation about yoga makes me want to do drugs in order to feel happy again.

Yoga is supposed to be bring me inner peace and this conversation about yoga has done nothing but made me feel less peaceful. That’s what yoga does to me. I will run circles around your yoga positions. Downward dog this!

Anyway, then they gave me a bunch of cookies and I felt a lot better. I’m pretty sure I know what they do with all the crack they confiscate there. Mmmm cookies.

– Sarah #2