The Joys of Planned Parenthood

January 21, 2010

Disclaimer: I’m a Democrat. I support Planned Parenthood and their mission to serve those who are underprivileged and cannot afford healthcare. However, I am now going to freely hate on that institution.

Ever since I’ve moved to PA, I’ve been hitting up Planned Parenthood for my womanly needs. Mostly this means that I frequent their association for my birth control.

Yes, I have health insurance. No, I don’t need to utilize Planned Parenthood in lieu of a regular doctor’s office. It’s close to my apartment. And, being a Democrat, I like to support institutions that provide that kind of medical assistance for women.

HOWEVER, this Planned Parenthood is shady. The location isn’t really that shady, but the facility itself is a pile of weird. Aside from the fact that you have to produce your license before they buzz you into the waiting room, the waiting room is sort of gross and dingy. Whatever, I’m not that pretentious, I can handle a little grime.

What I can’t handle is their extreme disorganization. Don’t get me started. Seriously. Don’t. Let me just say that I went there to pick up birth control, a process that just requires them looking up my health insurance, swiping my debit card, giving me some pills, and me leaving. That process could take 15 minutes, right? Ha. It took an hour and forty five minutes. And, that is the norm. TWO HOURS OF WAITING FOR SOME PILLS. Sigh.

The only redeeming quality? I get to listen to the craziest stories in the waiting room. And I get to text Sarah #1 with the play by play.

For instance, tonight, one particular patron was sitting with her friend who told her about a good book she had read. The girl replied, “I don’t read. The last time I read a book was when I was locked up.”

Wowza. Maybe if she read more books she wouldn’t be pregnant with her 3rd kid, there for an abortion (while she told her boyfriend she was going for a bladder infection), and MAYBE she’d know to talk quieter.

And, let’s not forget the gentleman who was there for an STD test, fighting on the phone with his girlfriend who apparently said she’d get a pap smear and hasn’t done it. Meanwhile, he was getting tested for the SAKE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. His words.

The last time I was there, a group of middle school (um, do middle schoolers know what sex is?) Catholic kids were staging a demonstration outside in the parking lot. They marched in a straight line, wearing their school uniforms, clutching their rosaries, and reciting prayers. I should feel bad that I openly laughed when I walked past them to my car, but I don’t.

Until that 12 year old boy praying for me can say “vagina” without blushing, I don’t need him to pray for my vagina related sins. Thanks though, I appreciate your effort.

I just didn’t realize God didn’t want me to go to Planned Parenthood to make sure I don’t have any cancer up in there. My bad. God totally wouldn’t approve of my breast exam. God hates my boobs. It’s in the Bible, I’m sure. Thou shalt not visit Planned Parenthood for a glucose test. Sorry, God.

Sarah #1, my vehicle to God, did not inform me that I shouldn’t take care of my personal health. Blame her.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you have 2 hours to spare and want to listen to some trashy conversations that will make you question the world you’re living in and want to lecture all those around you, check out Planned Parenthood. It’s like a soap opera. Only scarier because it’s real.

Plus, you can spend the time guessing who’s there for what. Blue shirt girl – STD. Girl in dress – pregnant. Ugly chick – no health insurance. It’s a fun game.

But, beware, God won’t approve of your visit. Even if it’s just for the stories.


Being a Girl Requires $$

December 23, 2009

I frequently discuss with my friends how much easier boys have it than girls. SO MUCH EASIER. In this instance, I’m talking about money.

While all you boys are out buying fishing rods, big TVs, and video games, girls are not. You think we don’t want those things? Wrong, mister. We just can’t afford them because we were born with boobs. A curse, for your delight.

Seriously, do you know how much it costs to be a girl?

1.) Make up – We pay major dollars for this crap just so you find us appealing. Meanwhile, your skin tone is uneven and the airplane fee for the bags under your eyes would be atrocious, but I still manage to find you attractive. Do you know how much eye liner costs?! You can’t handle that knowledge.

2) Bras – We have to wear these everyday (unless you’re like me and try to avoid it. Hello, Ursinus and bra-less brunch). These puppies are expensive (I’m talking about the bras, not my boobs which are real, thank you very much)! And they don’t last all that long. And if we want the fancy ones that you might find hot, it’s like double the price. DOUBLE.

3) Tampons – Yeah, I went there. Don’t be fooled because they’re essentially made of cotton, these cost way more than a pile of cotton should. And we use a lot of them. Sigh.

4) Birth Control – This shit is expensive. And full of side effects. But, it’s the price we pay. Monthly.

5) El Doctor – Women are supposed to visit their doctor each and every year or bad things can happen up in there. And then one visit leads to two, which sometimes leads to three… And boys just ignore their health and live forever. Stirrups aren’t just for riding horses! But you wouldn’t know that, would you?

6) Jewelry – We buy cute accessories so that you think we’re cute. We try to distract you from our personalities with shiny trinkets. Ooooh! Pretty bracelets! So shiny! That bracelet was $20, fool. You better say you like it.

7) Hair – A haircut and highlights ends up being $200. Then, toss in the cost of headbands and hair ties. Not to mention that I can spend an hour curling my hair and you can just shave your head and no one cares. Or, you grow it out long and gross and wear a hat. Oh, the injustice.

8) Shoes – You may say that we do not require the amount of shoes that we own. Well, you’re wrong. I need all of my shoes because, unlike you, I can’t just toss on the same pair of old flip flops or my one pair of dress shoes and have them match everything I own. It doesn’t work like that. It’s called fashion sense.

9) General Beauty – Okay, I don’t spend money on this personally, but a lot of girls pay to have their nails done and their eyebrows (and other things) waxed. Why? Because it makes us look nice, neat, and attractive. Sure, it’s not necessary, but the alternative isn’t always so hot. YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE THE ALTERNATIVE.

So, you know what? Yes, you should buy me dinner. And yes, you should buy me a drink. I am poor. A lot of money went into the way I look. The reason I don’t look better? BECAUSE I’M POOR. So, next time you’re out buying another video game, think of how I’m spending that money. Two words: Pap smear. Now you know.

Seriously, boys, you owe us.

– Sarah #2