Losing Weight with Magic

March 10, 2010

My dear friend, Ashley F., is attempting to lose weight. This is good because she’s a hypochondriac (let’s be honest, Ashley), and my life will require a lot less medical Googling on her behalf if she’s physically fit.

ashley f

Her plan of attack for losing weight is quite comprehensive. And by comprehensive, I mean that if she’s read that something will help her lose weight, she’s on it like gel on Zac Efron’s hair. Like when I told her that Unicorn hair makes you as skinny as an Olsen twin and she spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out where she could get some. Just kidding! (Sort of).

The point is, she’s trying to lose weight and she’s up for anything. So, being the awesome friend I am, I bought her a copy of my all-time favorite workout DVD, 30 Day Shred. Buy it now. Do it.

When I bought her the DVD, I noted that it requires the use of weights, and that if she didn’t own them, soup cans would suffice. Anyway, Ashley’s been faithfully shredding and I couldn’t be happier, but she’s been experiencing some difficulty in reference to the weight variation in soups.

Ashley: my soup cans do not weigh the same amount. the vegetable soup weighs more that the new england clam chowder

Me: Buy weights

Ashley: i thought about it at 5 below. they were super cheap

So, aside from the weights issue, she’s doing well, and she’s even incorporated her own weight loss strategies into the mix.

I now present you with:

“The Ashley F. Guide to Losing Weight with Magic”

1. Cinnamon Pills – Ashley heard that cinnamon pills help you lose weight. Is this true? Who knows, but Ashley’s going to find out. And while she’s at it, she’s going to change the smell of her bodily functions.

Ashley: i hear these cinnamon pills make your farts smell like cinnamon. that should be pleasant. better than the usual fart would smell like.

2. A Hulu Hoop – Ashley heard that hula hoops help to tone your core. So, she bought one, with the utmost of discretion and thought.

Ashley: i also bought a hula hoop too

Me: a weighted hula hoop?

Ashley: no a pink one

3. A Sauna Belt – Perhaps you’ve seen the infomercial. No? Well, no matter. It’s easily up the same alley as the EZ Combs, only with 100% more sweat guaranteed (weight loss not guaranteed).

Ashley: so i bought this thing called a sauna belt, and it makes your abdomen sweat like hard core. you wear it when you work out and it helps you lose water weight and its insane how much it made me sweat

Ashley: i think its going to work splendidly. also, its from 5 below

Me: why did you buy it?

Ashley: cause this lady Aida bought one for her daughter and she said it works like magic and i like losing weight magically.

So, there you have it, Ashley’s guide to losing weight magically. Because everyone likes magic! I’m going to put her in touch with Harry Potter. She’s going to be the thinnest, sweatiest hula hooper with cinnamon smelling farts you’ve ever seen.

Jealous? Try her tips out for yourself. I’m sure we’ll see her weight loss book on QVC by this fall. I’m lucky she shares her secrets with me; and, I, in turn, share them with the internet.

This post was brought to you by Five Below and Ashley F.

– Sarah #2

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I <3 Disney

October 4, 2009

I love my friend, Ashley F., quite sincerely. However, she does NOT at all love my affection for a number of things including, but not limited to, the Food Network, Harry Potter, or all things Disney Channel. Thus, I constantly try to make her love these things (for her own good).

I like to help her overcome her intolerance by sending her music videos performed by those kids on the Disney Channel. And, though you’re busy judging me, I’d just like to point out that at least 2 of those girls can sing and one of the Jonas Brothers looks like a cute puppy.

It never goes over well, but I’m not going to stop trying. Did you hear me, Ashley? I’LL NEVER STOP TRYING.

Here’s how it usually goes:

Ashley F: where do you find this shit sarah ?

Me: listen to the words, the lyrics are so good

Me: and shut up, ashley, i find it in awesome town

Me: give it time. you’ll actually like it

(I sent another video)

Ashley F: its the same one from before

Ashley F: don’t trick me into watching it again!

 
All I’m saying is that the Disney Channel kids produce some quality songs. I mean, Demi Lovato is awesome.

– Sarah #2