I didn’t start the fire.

A couple months ago, a guy near near my home shocked himself at the wrong time at the gas station and caught on fire and got all crispy. To clarify, he shocked himself like with electricity, not shocked himself as in surprised himself. If that makes people catch on fire then we’re all in trouble.

I don’t even like pumping gas to begin with, but toss in the potential to burn to a fiery death? NO THANKS. Fire scares me. On the list of things that freak me the freak out, fire is #1.

You’d think I might like fire due to the fact that I am constantly cold. In the summer I wear hoodies, and in the winter, my hands forget what it’s like to be warm. I wear many layers of clothing. I occasionally have blue lips. It’s a fact.

I hate being cold though. It’s uncomfortable. So, I bought a space heater. I love it. I want to marry it. I want it to be by my side everywhere I go. It has a remote. It oscillates. It’s amazing.


The unfortunate part? It makes me more static-y. I shock everything. The doorknob, the cat, myself. Mostly I think it’s a trade off that I can live with; it keeps me on my toes. Except, I’m afraid of fire.

I’m really super duper freaked out like whoa by fire. I can’t light matches. I maintain a safe distance from bonfires. I’m fairly certain sparklers are just sticks of death. I’m a little irrational about it.

And 75% of the time I’ve been to the gas station since buying my space heater? I SHOCK THINGS. The pump, the car, myself – it’s like a ticking time bomb. I am so prepared to stop, drop, and roll, it’s not even funny.

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Each and every time I shock myself, I get excited that I’m not on fire. Crispiness averted. But now I live in fear – more than usual.

But, isn’t this the weirdest punishment ever? All I’m asking is for a little warmth? The consequence? The supreme force of warmth will ignite me. A little excessive.

I guess it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. A life in fear. But, if I were you, I would never go to the gas station or be near flammable substances with me. It’s just a super power waiting to be unleashed. You’ve been warned.

– Sarah #2


One Response to I didn’t start the fire.

  1. Brian Cooper says:

    Most gas pumps have little signs telling you to touch your car door once before picking up the fuel pump to discharge any static electricity. Do that, and you should live a long an un-crispy life.

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