Sometimes I am a hypochondriac and think that I’m dying. Like when I thought maybe I was having a heart attack because I had weird heart pain for three days. So, I emailed my dad and told him so he would be prepared when someone found me dead on the floor.
He didn’t take me seriously. Probably because I also said I was upset that my death would mean missing the return of Jonathan Jackson to General Hospital.
Dad: It’s probably some muscle thing. And, I do not want you to die. Ever.
I guess I will live eternally like Jonathan Jackson in Tuck Everlasting.
My dad hates when I talk about dying because he says he needs to die first, but I just want him to be prepared and to know what to do, just in case.
I have big plans about how I want my funeral and such to play out, and I will totally haunt people if these plans don’t come to fruition. Believe you me, I will make for one scary ghost. I will totally change your channel to soap operas in the middle of your regular programming!
Anyway, back to my important plans, everyone knows I hate fire, but I totally want to be cremated and then just dumped out somewhere. Anywhere. A trash can. I don’t want a headstone or a plot in a graveyard because I think it’s waste of earth and money. I want a tree planted in my honor. I have told my family this at least 100 times and they probably aren’t listening: TREEEEEEEE.
My funeral is going to be more awesome than a party at P. Diddy’s hiz-ouse (that’s house, but cooler). This is why:
1. I want everyone to come to my funeral dressed in either an 80’s theme, a Harry Potter theme, or a gangster theme – Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (I suppose I died trying). (My mom can decide which theme. In the event that she is no longer living, I relegate this job to Shlee).
2. My sister, Heidi, must read an excerpt from Harry Potter about how Dumbledore’s not afraid to die. I’ll be chillin’ with Dumbledore in heaven. I’m pretty sure fictional characters go to heaven. ("To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.")
3. I would like my peeps to each tell one hilarious story about one of the other peeps (but not about me) so that i can laugh really hard from heaven.
4. By then, Sarah #1 will probably be ordained and she can read some reassuring quote, of her choosing, from the Bible. Alternatively, she can read some Bible verses about Christmas because I love that stuff.
5. Then, like in Love Actually, I want someone to blast “Bye Bye Baby (Baby, Goodbye).” I think that’s so funny for a funeral. I’d like that to be followed by a rousing rendition of “Precious Lord” and then I would like Jennifer, my cousin, to sing “Oh Happy Day” from Sister Act 2, including the high note.
6. And then have Jared, my cousin, lead everyone of age in taking shots of Jack while the kids eat pixie sticks.
7. Then I want there to be a reception where only foods I like are served, such as: hummus, vegetable platters, pizza, chips, quesadillas, and ice cream cake. Have it catered by Mi Rancho and J&P.
8. At this reception, please only play songs from Britney Spears, rappers, or musicals. Please have my dad and Uncle Tim lead everyone in dancing.
9. If I’m famous when I die (or really rich), please invite (or pay to have attend): Jonathan Jackson, Kristen Chenoweth, Britney Spears, Ellen, and the entire cast of both Harry Potter and FRIENDS.
10. Feel free to imagine me doing the final dance from Dirty Dancing with Patrick Swayze in heaven. Because that’s probably the first thing I’ll try to cross off the list upon arrival.
I feel like my funeral is my last chance to get people to do all the things I like doing that they would never normally do with me. So, HA! Sweet, heavenly revenge.
Now that this is on the internet, it has to happen. Otherwise, I’ll be sad. Dead and sad. Because of you.
– Sarah #2