Stop Being A Girl

May 23, 2010

All my life I’ve considered myself an athlete. Maybe not the best athlete, but an athlete nonetheless.

I’ve always liked (playing) sports of all kinds. Working out to me is fun, but it’s always something I take seriously.

You see, I’m a perfectionist. I have a touch of OCD. If I do something, I’m doing it well. I’m no half asser – which is good because having only half an ass would make it hard to find pants. Consider that.

So, when I workout, I’m not just having fun, I’m intense. Or, I’m trying to be intense.

I’ve got one goal in mind – working out. I don’t want to chit chat. I don’t want to dilly dally. I don’t want to be idle. And, I don’t care about the copious amounts that I sweat. And boooy do I sweat.

Example: I took my friend from work, Jackie, to the gym with me this week. I ran while she did various other things. Upon the completion of my workout I went over to her. Her first words?

“Wow, you weren’t kidding. You do sweat a lot.”

Yeah, that’s right. I sweat a ton. A TON. And I’m proud of it. That sweat is the product of hard work (and possibly massive pores).

So, as a hard worker, you know what I hate?

Girls who wear their hair down whilst working out. Welcome to the first sign that you’re not even going to attempt to accomplish anything. The only person I forgive for this indiscretion is my mother. She’s exempt. After years of wearing her hair down, I think a ponytail on her is so weird. However, everyone else?

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So not exempt.

Stop trying to be pretty. You want to be pretty? Then work hard. Put your hair up in a ponytail and sweat your ass off instead of sashaying around, strategically flipping your hair.

Not an athlete? Who cares? Fake it until you make it; dress the part. Girls who want to be in shape? Girls who want to have hard butts and toned arms? They can’t do it without a ponytail holder.

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Real girls sweat. Real girls work hard. No one can work hard with their hair down. Seriously.

And while we’re at it. Stop wearing make up at the gym too. I can’t forgive you. I just can’t.

The only thing people will judge you for at the gym is:

  • an inappropriate use of spandex
  • a lack of sports bra
  • a shirt that lets too much of your stomach come out to play

So stop half assing it. Because that’s another thing people will judge you for at the gym. Having half an ass. That is so awkward.

- Sarah #2


Losing Weight with Magic

March 10, 2010

My dear friend, Ashley F., is attempting to lose weight. This is good because she’s a hypochondriac (let’s be honest, Ashley), and my life will require a lot less medical Googling on her behalf if she’s physically fit.

ashley f

Her plan of attack for losing weight is quite comprehensive. And by comprehensive, I mean that if she’s read that something will help her lose weight, she’s on it like gel on Zac Efron’s hair. Like when I told her that Unicorn hair makes you as skinny as an Olsen twin and she spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to figure out where she could get some. Just kidding! (Sort of).

The point is, she’s trying to lose weight and she’s up for anything. So, being the awesome friend I am, I bought her a copy of my all-time favorite workout DVD, 30 Day Shred. Buy it now. Do it.

When I bought her the DVD, I noted that it requires the use of weights, and that if she didn’t own them, soup cans would suffice. Anyway, Ashley’s been faithfully shredding and I couldn’t be happier, but she’s been experiencing some difficulty in reference to the weight variation in soups.

Ashley: my soup cans do not weigh the same amount. the vegetable soup weighs more that the new england clam chowder

Me: Buy weights

Ashley: i thought about it at 5 below. they were super cheap

So, aside from the weights issue, she’s doing well, and she’s even incorporated her own weight loss strategies into the mix.

I now present you with:

“The Ashley F. Guide to Losing Weight with Magic”

1. Cinnamon Pills – Ashley heard that cinnamon pills help you lose weight. Is this true? Who knows, but Ashley’s going to find out. And while she’s at it, she’s going to change the smell of her bodily functions.

Ashley: i hear these cinnamon pills make your farts smell like cinnamon. that should be pleasant. better than the usual fart would smell like.

2. A Hulu Hoop – Ashley heard that hula hoops help to tone your core. So, she bought one, with the utmost of discretion and thought.

Ashley: i also bought a hula hoop too

Me: a weighted hula hoop?

Ashley: no a pink one

3. A Sauna Belt – Perhaps you’ve seen the infomercial. No? Well, no matter. It’s easily up the same alley as the EZ Combs, only with 100% more sweat guaranteed (weight loss not guaranteed).

Ashley: so i bought this thing called a sauna belt, and it makes your abdomen sweat like hard core. you wear it when you work out and it helps you lose water weight and its insane how much it made me sweat

Ashley: i think its going to work splendidly. also, its from 5 below

Me: why did you buy it?

Ashley: cause this lady Aida bought one for her daughter and she said it works like magic and i like losing weight magically.

So, there you have it, Ashley’s guide to losing weight magically. Because everyone likes magic! I’m going to put her in touch with Harry Potter. She’s going to be the thinnest, sweatiest hula hooper with cinnamon smelling farts you’ve ever seen.

Jealous? Try her tips out for yourself. I’m sure we’ll see her weight loss book on QVC by this fall. I’m lucky she shares her secrets with me; and, I, in turn, share them with the internet.

This post was brought to you by Five Below and Ashley F.

- Sarah #2


We Never Claimed to be Cool

February 25, 2010

My computer is back to life! Well, it’s mostly back to life. The point is that it’s functional, and maybe once I figure out how to be technologically savvy then it will officially be back to life.

But currently iTunes and I are having a fight to the death and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to win. It probably knows I have the Droid and is mad that I’m not an Apple geek.

Sorry, Steve Jobs, I can’t afford to be your avid follower, even if I did write my grad school thesis on your company.

Anyway, I’m really here to point out that just in case you wondered, Sarah #1 and I are still huge dorks.

Evidence:

Me: there’s an indoor track at the ymca and i saw women walking around on it together and i was like awww, where’s sarah

Sarah: awww I want to do that. will you grow old and walk with me?

Me: i so will

Sarah: sweeeet. I can’t wait

Me: we’ll be cute old people. making yogurt, baking cookies, walking

Sarah: drinking coffee with our cookies

Me: and dark chocolate

Sarah: and watching bad tv like secret life. which I’m currently watching

… And then it’s possible we spent roughly 45 minutes discussing Secret Life of the Pregnant Chick. It’s the worst show, but we just can’t look away…

because we’re that cool.


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